Scene III: The Restaurant; The Once a Year Day. At the opening of the scene, the restaurant is devoid of tables and chairs. The table Liechtenstein orders set up is placed stage left front. When all the tables are finally moved in and placed as they were before, the table at stage right front is omitted to facilitate the final entry of the principals.

“Dance, Everyone Dance”

Bellboy and Waiter Chorus

[lyrics omitted]

(General dispersion – few remain)

Burg: (Enters) Guten Nachmittag, where is Herr Liechtenstein?

Bartender: Just a second, sir, I’ll get him.

Burg: Thank you (Then looks things over from his position)

Herr: Johann, how good to see you.

Burg: Well, Karl, I see you are almost finished, Ja!

Herr: Ja, it is going well. Und you vill be here tonight?

Burg: Of course, I wouldn’t miss it for the world.

Herr: Gut, gut! (Turning) Franz, set up a table. Hermann, a bottle of Mosel!

Burg: Ah, you are most gracious, Karl. (They sit) I suppose your Once a Year Day will be better than ever this year.

Herr: Ja, I have invited many more people than last year.

Burg: Ah, Karl, you are very, very generous.

Herr: Oh, not only generous; it helps business along. Sie reason for a holiday hardly matters. It’s the celebration which die people enjoy. I mean, why even Easter has become largely a matter of eggs.

Burg: Ah, yes, unfortunately.

Herr: (Pours wine) Prosit.

Burg: Prosit.

Herr: Und how is it going at City Hall?

Burg: If that American Ambassador comes once more he’ll wear a hole knocking on my door.

Herr: Wie so?

Burg: Die verflixten Amerikaner! Ach! Always going down one way streets—the wrong way. Parking on corners—jaywalking. And when they get a ticket–right away ambassador runs down to my office. As if he had nothing better to do. “Make a decree, pass a law, our Americans are going broke paying your stupid traffic fines.” And I say, “Our city is going broke printing traffic tickets.” Then he says, “It’s not so much the money…it’s the principle involved.” He isn’t even logical. He wants the traffic signs in English! I should go out tomorrow and buy a pair of Bermuda shorts. Ach!

Herr: Sie Americans–they are a funny race!

Burg: Ganz bestimmt!

Herr: Ja, I always invite them to my Vunce a Year Day to amuse the other people. A few drinks and the American tourists–they entertain for hours.

Burg: (Laughs boisterously)

Herr: Sehr gut, Ja? (Commissar enters) Oh…oh, Johann, I have someone here I would like you to meet. (He rises and ushers Petronov to the table) Herr Burgermeister, this is mein Freund, Herr Petronov. Herr Petronov, unser Burgermeister.

Burg & Comm: (Shake hands, exchange amenities)

Herr: (Pulling out chair, he seats Commissar and Burgermeister directly opposite one another; both present profile to audience; Herr Liechtenstein sits between them and faces audience) Setzen Sie sich, Herr Petronov, setzen Sie sich. Heinrich a glass!

Burg: (While Herr pours) Herr Petronov, you’re staying at this hotel I take it.

Comm: Why yes. (Picks up glass) Prosit.

Burg & Herr: Prosit.

Burg: Are you enjoying your stay in Vienna?

Comm: Oh the city is beautiful and all that, but I’m having difficulty with my business here.

Burg: Nothing serious I hope.

Comm: No, it’s just that things aren’t going as fast as I would like it to.

Herr: Herr Petronov is from New York. (Patronizingly said)

Burg: Good. We always welcome Americans to our fair city.

Comm: Thank you.

Burg: New York is a beautiful city too.

Comm: You have been there?

Burg: Yes, in 1954 on the way to Washington.

Comm: Washington—- a vital branch of my concern is located there also.

Heinrich: (Enters and says to waiter) I was told I could find the Burgermeister here.

Waiter: He’s sitting over there.

Heinrich: Entschuldingung, Herr Burgermeister, I have a message for you.

Burg: Danke. (The note written on stiff paper is folded in half so that it is never open more than 90 degrees. The Burgermeister places it on the table near the center and reads it to himself)

Herr: Bad news?

Burg: (Indefinitely) No.

Herr: Some more wine?

Burg: No, I’ll have to be going shortly.

Herr: It is bad news then.

Burg: Of sorts.

Comm: (Becomes evidently interested and lays hand on table. Then casually) When you were in New York did you by chance dine at the Stork Club? (Flips note toward himself so that the side that was perpendicular to the table is now parallel with and resting on the table. The writing to the Commissar is upside-down)

Burg: Why yes. The Austrian consul and his wife entertained me there at dinner one evening. (Flips note back to his vantage point. Herr Liechtenstein is following the flips with his head, trying to read the note.)

Comm: How interesting. Did you enjoy the theatre? One who goes to New York must never miss a performance on Broadway. (Flips note)

Burg: As I recall Ezio Pinza did brilliantly in Fanny. Yes, New York was on the high-lights of my visit. (Flips note)

Herr: (Slaps down note with both hands) Spy ring!

Burg: (Picking up note) Karl, don’t be indiscreet. Keep your voice down.

Comm: (Looks at watch) If you’ll excuse me, I have an important appointment shortly. (He rises) I’m very pleased to have made your acquaintance, Herr Burgermeister.

Burg: (Surprised) Why yes.

Comm: Thank you for the wine, Herr Liechtenstein. I’ll see you both at the celebration tonight. Good day.

Herr: Aufwiedersehen. (They stare after him)

Burg: That was rather sudden. Oh, these Americans. They change with the wind. No manners at all.

Herr: More wine, Johann?

Burg: No, I must be leaving too. (They rise and walk to apron of stage as main curtain closes behind them.) You know, I rather enjoy the curiosity of these American tourists.

Herr: Ja, vhat they hear all goes in vun ear and out the mouth.

Burg: I hardly think so. To let out information in such a case would be most indiscreet. However, considering the sketchiness of the note and the position of the American, I rather enjoyed the little game.

Herr: Ja, it vas exciting.

Burg: (Teasing) Karl, you were curious too.

Herr: Nein, nein–just civic-minded.

Burg: (Laughs) Well, Karl, I really must be going. By the time I get back to city hall there will be many calls for me. Ugh! This business with foreign representatives. Last night at the dinner party in the Chateau Brunn I was talking to the American Ambassador. He wanted to talk about something, but I succeeded in talking about nothing. Unfortunately, the British Ambassador saw us. I’ve got to see him in a minute in order to inform him that we were talking about nothing. He won’t believe it. Within five minutes the West German Ambassador, and he’ll ask me what I’ve been talking about. I’ll tell him–nothing. He won’t believe me. Within the hour I will have slid all the way down the diplomatic list and will be trying to convince the Consul General of the Yemen–that there are no secrets I share with the Consul General of Viet Nam…and he won’t believe me. And then it begins all over again tomorrow. Well, I will see you.

Herr: Ja tonight, Johann. (Watches Herr Burgermeister leave, turns around, takes off apron, and walks back into restaurant as main curtain opens. Everything is now in readiness for the party and a good number of people are there. During song more enter. Table at stage left front is reserved.)

“Wunderbar”

Hotel Guests and Waiter Chorus

[lyrics omitted — see original scan; song is copyrighted material licensed for the 1959 production]

(Enter Three Keys–stage right, shake hands with Herr Liechtenstein.)

Herr: Guten Abend.

Al: Hello.

Pat: We’re in Mr. Scott’s party.

Herr: Ja, vie have a table reserved for him. Lorenz, show these gentlemen to Herr Scott’s table.

Maitre: Follow me, please. (Takes card from table, Keys sit)

Brad: It looks like we just got here in time.

Pat: Yeah, the pretzels are almost gone. (Burgermeister enters stage right. Liechtenstein takes him to front center)

Herr: Attention, everyone, attention bitte! I vould like to introduce to you unser Burgermeister, the honored guest this efnick.

People: (Applaud)

Herr: (Handing to Stein to Burgermeister and taking one himself) The formal part of the Vunce a Year Day is about to begin. (Everyone toasts and drinks with them. Murmuring etc. as Burgermeister and Herr fade into crowd)

Scott: (Enters stage right, maitre takes him over to The Keys at his table) We finally got off that darn set. I see you’re still alive.

Al: Are we glad to see you. Where’s Mr. Nelson?

Scott: He’ll be here in a minute–he’s parking the car.

Pat: Have a seat. It’s your table.

Scott: Thanks, don’t mind if I do. We got over here as fast as we could. Seen any sign of our Mystery Man?

Al: We just got here ourselves. So far he hasn’t shown up yet.

Scott: Well, when he does we’ll be ready for him.

Brad: We will?

Scott: Sure, we can handle it. He may even be harmless. That’s one of the reasons I didn’t want to call the cops. We’d look kind of funny making such a fuss over a high-class bum.

Pat: He’s the highest class bum I’ve ever saw.

Al: Well, let’s enjoy ourselves till he shows up.

Scott: Yeah, I’ll go get some drinks. Anything special?

Al: Make mine a Martini.

Pat: Manhatten please.

Brad: I’ll take a Grasshopper.

Scott: (Goes up to bar)

Brad: I haven’t had a Grasshopper in months.

Pat: The only reason I get Manhattens is…Oh, Oh, don’t look now, but our friend just came in.

Al: Has he seen us?

Pat: He’s looking around.

Brad: I’m going to go get Scott.

Al: Sit down!

Pat: He’s spotted us. He’s coming this way.

Comm: And we meet again! How very convenient!

Brad: But you…

Comm: But you shall not elude me again.

Al: We only wanted to…

Comm: Silence, Comrade. You are in a most uncompromising position. You will do as I say. It’s most irrational to argue with one who is holding a gun: (Makes fact that he is holding gun in his pocket evident) If you choose not to follow my orders, you will meet your fate on the spot. High powered silencers make society murders temporarily undetectable. (Brick enters) Shall we go?

Brick: (Mistaking Commissar for Scott) I had a devil of a time finding a parking place, Bob. How ’bout some drinks. (Then he sees Scott returning with drinks. Commissar turns around) Hey! What the…!

Al: This is the guy!

Scott: Oh no!

Comm: (To Brick) You move over there with him. These three gentlemen are going with me. Any interference and you’ll get shot. (They march out single file. Scott and Brick stand there dumbfounded)

Brick: You call the police. I’ll follow them. (As he starts to leave the line that has just marched out marches in backwards with police holding the gun on them)

Policeman #1: Alright, everybody, stand back and ya won’t get hurt. I said stand back, you.

Police Chief: Put the cuffs on them, Hans. (They begin to handcuff Commissar and Keys)

Scott: (Comes up) Hey, you can’t do that! They’re innocent!

Policeman #2: Hey, chief, we got another one. (Scott & Commissar are dressed alike as Scott didn’t change his movie costume)

Scott: Put me down!

Brick: Wait a minute. Look, you got the wrong guys.

Policeman #1: Who are you?

Brick: I’m his press agent.

Police Chief: They’re our star boarders now.

Burgermeister: Take it easy, Karl, calm down. It so happens that some of your customers are Soviet spies.

Herr: Spies? Not in my hotel.

Burg: I’m afraid so. However, there has been a slight mistake. Hans, remove the handcuffs from these four men. Herr Scott, I must apologize for our over-zealous chief who has as usual arrested too many people. This is the gentleman you are after.

Scott: How do you and the police know about this?

Burg: After I left here this afternoon, I went to city hall and discovered the gravity of the situation. These are the real spies.

Ivan: We confessed everything.

Burg: And from their description I knew that the man I met here this afternoon was the Commissar.

Herr: I can’t believe it.

Burg: It’s too bad you can’t go back to Moscow.

Herr: I’ll be the laughing-stock of the hotel business. My Vunce a Year Day is ruined.

Brick: Fabulous publicity! Fabulous!

Herr: I’m ruined.

Brick: Fabulous!

Herr: I’m ruined.

Scott: Ruined? This Once a Year Day will be splattered across the front pages of newspapers all over the world.

Herr: It will?

Scott: Of course, just think of all the people who will flock to the Liechtenstein Hotel. You will be famous!

Herr: Wunderbar! This Vunce a Year Day is better than ever!

Brick: Who knows? This may be the first hotel to win an Academy Award.

“Once A Year Day”

Entire Cast

[lyrics omitted — see original scan; song is copyrighted material licensed for the 1959 production]

FINIS