Scene V: The Liechtenstein Restaurant. The scene opens with a chorus singing two verses of “Wir trinken” before the main curtain. As the curtain opens they enter the restaurant. Here there is an accomodating number of tables. Three tables, however, must be strategically located. Two of these tables balance each other, one stage left, the other right, towards stage front. The third table is between these two at stage center, but slightly farther back, producing a staggered effect.
“Wir trinken einen Halben (German Drinking Song)”
Hotel Guests
[lyrics omitted]
Brad: I’m hungry.
Al: You’ve been saying that for days.
Pat: Fill up on beer–it’s free.
Brad: I feel as though I’d swallowed a couple of holes. Isn’t there some law that obligates a hotel to feed a man starving to death?
Al: No. You’re thinking of a hospital.
Pat: It’s all a matter of will power. If you just make up your mind.
Brad: I can make up my mind, but I can’t do anything with my stomach. If I only had something besides a glass of beer… I’d even eat something I don’t like.
Pat: Stop it. Now I’m getting hungry.
Al: You’re both exaggerating the importance of food. I’ve gone without eating for days. MacFadden says it’s good for your stomach.
Brad: I see spots before my eyes.
Pat: Me too.
Brad: Mine are beginning to look like hamburgers.
Pat: If you see one with onions save it for me.
Al: Ok, ok that’s enough–let’s take a look at the exchequer.
Al: 33-34-35-36 cents. We must have more than this. One of you guys is holding out.
Brad: It’s not me.
Pat: Oh allright.
Al: 86 cents!
Brad: WAITER!
Waiter #1: May I help you, Meine Herrn.
Al: (With indignant pomp) Well hoooow about a menu.
Waiter #1: Ja Mein Herr- entschuldigung. (He leaves)
Brad: Gee, he has a lot of talent.
Pat: Yeah. I’ve seen him carry twelve dishes at one time.
Al: Look at the prices!
Brad: Look at the food!
Pat: (Reading from menu) luscious, golden brown Huhnsbraten.
Al: 95 cents
Pat: juicy, tender Schweinbraten.
Al: $1.25
Pat: mmmm! Delicious Schenken mit Kartoffeln.
Al: $1.50
Brad: You’re torturing my tapeworm!
Al: Oh no–another mouth to feed!
Pat: It’s a cinch we can’t order any of this stuff with our funds.
Al: If only there was something left we could hock. Maybe we could pawn the moosehead.
Brad: No. I’ve had it a long time. It’s the first one I got.
Al: Come on, Mr. Buck, I’m sure we could get something on it.
Brad: Forget it, Al. I shot him with my own hands; and I ate him up to the neck, but I refuse to part with the rest of him!
Pat: Let’s look at the sandwiches.
Brad: Well chicken is chicken–so I’ll have chicken.
Al: Wienerschnitzel on rye sounds like an adventure to me.
Waiter #1: Will you order now?
Brad: I’ll have your twenty-five cent chicken sandwich.
Al: I’ll have the wienerschnitzel on rye.
Waiter #1: (Looking at Pat) Well that be ALL?
Pat: (Looking up from menu) Uh–I’ll have the same.
Waiter #1: The same?! (Haughtily) Do you want chicken or wienerschnitzel or both?
Pat: (Looking back at menu) uh– I’ll take a hot dog.
Waiter #1: (Inquisitively) hot, DOG?
Al: He means a frankfurter.
Waiter #1: (Disdainfully) Very good, sir. (He leaves)
Pat: That Big Daddy isn’t gonna get much of a tip.
Al: That’s for sure (Drops 2 pennies on table) One–two.
Brad: I’m sick of this penny pinching.
Al: I feel like going to Scott and asking him right to his face for a job.
Pat: You said we were going to wait till the right time comes along.
Al: Yeah I know–but it seems like it’s never going to.
Pat: Scott will eat in here, won’t he?
Al: Yeah, I think– we’ll be sure to see him at the Once a Year Day though.
Brad: I hope the food comes soon. My stomach’s growling.
Pat: Muzzle it–I don’t wanna get bitten.
Maitre: Nein, nein, nein–Herr Liechtenstein explicitly ordered the pink bunting instead of the orange. That must come down. Macht schnell–rasch! The once a year day is almost here. (He goes to backstage and officiously directs decorating.)
(Enter the three spies. They look around stealthily not wanting to be noticed.)
Andre: Do you see him?
Ivan: (Whispering) Not yet. (Backs clumsily into maitre)
Maitre: Fool–watch where you’re going. Besides you were told that all caterers are to enter by the back door. I’ll have you fired. (Cough)
Ivan: (Whispers) We’re not caterers.
Vlad: Will you cut that insane whispering.
Andre: Let’s get a table.
Vlad: Do you see him anywhere, Ivan? (They sit at center table)
Ivan: (Assuming air of importance) Aaah, tsk. Well..it could be him but…mmm..no. Oh! Oh! Look over there!
Andre: Is that him?
Ivan: No.
Vlad: Could that be him over there? He looks like he might be a commissar.
Ivan: Well now, let me see. Hmmm (Ivan is thoroughly enjoying his new found importance) See that man over there? (man #1)
Andre: Yes, yes.
Ivan: Well if he (man #2) had his (pointing to man #1) moustache and he gave him his nose and then they switched hats — that (pointing obviously to man #3) would be him.
Andre: Ivan, stop it. (with crescendoed tremor)
Vlad: What’s the matter with you anyway, Ivan?
Ivan: I didn’t think it would work ’cause that guy wouldn’t give him his hat anyway.
Andre: Get serious, Ivan. This is a matter of life and death. Every room I go into I expect to find him there, tapping wires or thumbing through my papers. We’ve got to find him!
Vlad: Say, aren’t those the three singers over at the corner table?
Andre: Yes, our three little scapegoats. Our plan should work perfectly. (Enter Commissar stage right)
Ivan: Execution..execution (Pointing at Commissar)
Vlad: Is that him?
Ivan: (Can only respond with nervous affirmative nod)
Andre: The carnation…. When he sits down you know what to do. (Commissar sits) Alright, let’s go. (They get up and walk over to the three singers’ table) How do you do, gentlemen, may I intrude on you for a moment? First of all I’d like to introduce myself. I’m Charles Purcell of Hollywood Studios, Incorporated, and these are my associate producers, David McFarley, and John Shay.
Vlad & Ivan: How do you do?
Al: (Rising from his chair) Well, how do YOU do?
Andre: No. No, sit down, sit down.
Al: To what do we owe this pleasure?
Andre: Mr. Robert Scott who is on location here recommended you to us as possibilities for a part in the movie we are producing at this time.
Al: Really?
Andre: Mr. McFarley, Shay and I are connected merely with the producing end of this. We suggest that you consult as soon as possible with our casting director, Miklas Petronov.
Al: Sure, where can we find him?
Vlad: Oh, excuse me, C.P.
Andre: YES (Broadly)
Vlad: I believe Mr. Petronov just came in and is sitting at the table over there.
Andre: Why so he is.
Ivan: A stroke of luck! (In an affectedly refined way)
Pat: Yeah, isn’t it though.
Vlad: We suggest you go over right away.
Andre: It might help in your audition with Mr. Petronov if I told you that he is a man of peculiar sensibilities. He has an aversion to discussing business at meals. I propose that you act like three Russian spies who have just completed a big job successfully and are eager for a new plum in the field of subversion.
Vlad: That’s the part Mr. Scott has in mind for you.
Andre: It wouldn’t be advisable to discuss the business end of the audition as this might upset Mr. Petronov greatly. Just make your scene as lifelike as plausible as possible. And leave the rest to us.
Brad: Thanks for the tip!
Al: (Three singers rise) Let’s shake on it.
“Side By Side”
The Three Keys and the Three Spies
[lyrics omitted]
Vlad: (Looking at watch) C.P. we’re late!
Ivan: For what?
Andre: Why so we are. I’m sorry we can’t be here for your audition. Just follow the instructions we gave you.
Vlad: (Over shoulder on way out) Hurry up, they must be casting by now (Andre begins his exit)
Ivan: (Trailing behind in wonderment) Casting?
Pat: I feel like the world hit me on the head.
Brad: I’m a little dazed too. Everything happened so fast.
Al: Well, snap out of it boys. We’ve got a lot to do.
Brad: Let’s get together on our story. Who can think of some good Russian names.
Pat: I never paid attention in class.
Brad: I feel like Sasha Smirnoff.
Pat: Do you drink it or sit on it?
Al: Don’t laugh – you’re Ivan Ivanovitch.
Pat: (Indignantly) Who do you think you are, the Czar?
Al: Quiet, peasant, I’m Georgi Slivnitza.
Brad: What’s our story going to be?
Pat: Tell you what, Al, you take the lead and we’ll dub in.
Al: That okay with you, Brad?
Brad: Yeah, this is our big moment and I don’t want to muff it.
Al: Okay, let’s go! (They walk over to table) Would you mind having company for dinner?
Comm: (Looks up and obviously counts three) I’d be very pleased to have the THREE of you join me. Sit down.
Al: We haven’t been in Vienna too long.
Comm: I just got in last night myself.
Al: Pleasant trip I hope.
Comm: Yes the Soviev Airlines are most accomodating.
Al: Soviev?
Comm: Why yes, they have the only non-stop flight between Vienna and Moscow.
Al: The Proletariet seems progressive under this present regime.
Comm: Quite. The fingers of Russia are reaching into the coffers of every country. And this success is being achieved only by extraordinary efficiency. In fact, your promptness in locating me is indicative of your conscientiousness in the past.
Al: That last job was pretty risky. It took all of Ivan’s ingenuity to get us out of that cellar on the river.
Comm: There is no task without its reward. In fact the Party has in mind some, (Takes carnation out of the button hole very casually and pulls three petals while saying) shall we say, underground work for the three of you.
Al: That sounds interesting, Comrade.
Comm: It will be, I assure you. However a few small details must be arranged first.
Waiter #1: Entschuldigung, mein Herr (To Andre). Would you like your order served at this table or at the other table?
Comm: Served? You’ve ordered dinner?
Al: Well not really dinner; just a snack – a few sandwiches.
Comm: Sandwiches – ah – this occasion calls for a celebration. Be my guests. Waiter! Champagne.
Waiter #1: Very well, mein Herr.
Pat: O Lord! Champagne!
Comm: What was that name you mentioned?
Pat: When?
Comm: Lord, did I hear?
Pat: Why not?
Comm: Are you a believer?
Pat: I have a perfect right to believe if I want to.
Comm: I did not ask you whether you had a right to believe. I asked you whether you do believe.
Pat: I don’t see the difference.
Comm: All the difference in the world. In the old days it was criminal to believe. With the advent of Soviet democracy we are now given the choice of belief, or disbelief, but naturally we are put on our honor to make the right choice. Otherwise, democracy would have no meaning.
Pat: Oh, the devil with you! (The commissar immediately crosses himself backwards) What are you doing?
Comm: (Pleasantly in spite of his nervousness) Belief in the devil has never been forbidden by any regime.
Brad: Uh – where are we going on our next assignment? (Obviously trying to change subject)
Al: Shh! Comrade – wait till we’re in a more confidential place.
Comm: A wise thought, Comrade, I have just the place in mind. However it’s safe to say your assignment won’t take you far from here.
Brad: I’m glad. I sorta like this place around here.
Comm: It would be nice to remain here.
Al: Will the assignment be rough?
Comm: I believe you’ll find it relaxing – in fact it won’t be difficult at all.
Pat: We’ve been promoted to executives!
Comm: You’re wrong there, but I believe the Party intends for you to fill the position permanently.
Brad: Oh Boy, I’m gonna sleep the first three months.
Comm: A good party member never sleeps. I don’t sleep.
Brad: Never?
Comm: Never.
Brad: Insomnia?
Comm: Policy.
Brad: Gee!
Pat: Anyway this sounds like quite a step up the ladder for us.
Comm: It will be. Ah the Champagne!
Waiter: Does this suit your taste, mein Herr?
Comm: Excellent!
Waiter: (Pours Champagne) Would you like the dinner menus, mein Herr?
Comm: Of course. Oh by the way I’d like a pack of cigarettes – Straussburgers, please. (Looks in pockets for change, taken out billfold) The smallest I have is a bill. (On flashing billfold Pat and Brad obviously see something strange contained in it)
Waiter: (Bows out)
Comm: Have more Champagne. Come, come. (While pouring starts saying ENJOY YOURSELF then gets up with glass and moves singing across the stage)
“Enjoy Yourself”
Commissar
[lyrics omitted — see original scan; song is copyrighted material licensed for the 1959 production]
Herr: (Enters and captures Commissar who is stage left) Aha! We meet again, mein Freund. Vie have many people here today, nicht wahr? Kom! I vant that you should meet some of my friendts.
Comm: Well, uh, I am enjoying myself here.
Herr: Oh I wouldn’t think of leaving you alone. Kom mit me.
Comm: Oh no. Thank you. I’d rather…
Herr: Nein, nein, kom, kom, kom, (He drags him to another table where a silent scene of hand shaking etc. takes place while three keys play their scene at stage right)
Brad: Pat, did you see what I saw?
Pat: You mean the billfold?
Al: What’s the big mystery?
Brad: His billfold – the identification card.
Al: Well what was the matter with it?
Brad: It said “Petronov.”
All: What’s so strange about that? That’s who those three guys from Scott’s movie said he was.
Pat: Yeah, but they didn’t say his first name was Commissar with the degree in N.K.V.D.
Al: Commissar Petronov of the N.K.V.D.
Brad: I don’t think anyone would carry around a stage prop like that. And besides it had a tiny red star on it.
Al: Come to think those movie men acted awfully funny having to leave in such a hurry. If they’d really been interested in us, you’d think they would have introduced us to him.
Pat: I think we’re mixed up in something big, but I don’t know what it is.
Brad: How could we be fools enough to think that such a big opportunity would fall right in our laps like that – and all that stuff about “Lord” too. I think he really meant it.
Al: I don’t know, but let’s get out of here and go see Scott ourselves. (They stand up and begin their exit. Pat finishes glass of Champagne)
Herr: (Belly laugh)
Comm: (Turns around to see Pat) (To Herr) Let me go you fool. (Goes across stage in pursuit)
Herr: Was ist los?
Waiter: You are leaving? (Presents bill) The bill, please!
Comm: Oh – here! (Throws bill at him and exits)
CURTAIN