ACT ONE

Scene I: Moscow, the Office of the Minister of the Interior. This scene is played stage front center. The office is furnished with a desk and two chairs. At stage right is a medicine table.

“There is Nothin’ Like a Dame”

Peasant Chorus

[lyrics omitted]

Minister: Nikolai, Nikolai, run these idiot peasants out of here! (To peasants) Fools…acting like a pack of bourgeois revolutionaries!

Nikolai: Yes, Comrade?

Minister: Run THEM out of here—back to the steppes. (Paces back and forth as Nikolai shoos them out…muttering to himself) Oh, these proletarian headaches! Nikolai, my aspirins!

Nikolai: (Taking out tray of bottles) The ones from Moscow?

Minister: Nooooo, the ones from Paris! (Takes aspirin)

Nikolai: Oh, by the way, Comrade Petronov, a Commissar from the N.K.V.D. is here.

Minister: N.K.V.D.! (Backs away in horror)

Nikolai: Yes, you sent for him.

Minister: Oh, yes, yes, so I did. The next time you say something like that I’ll have you shot for attempted assassination. You know about my weak heart. (Hesitates…staring at Nikolai) Don’t just stand there, my pills!

Nikolai: Yes (Stutters it) …Comrade (Shakily pours a glass of water and hands him the pill)

Minister: THESE are my gout pills. (Throws it across room) Oh, let ME get them. (Takes pill and sits down)

Nikolai: Shall I send the Commissar in? (In faltering voice)

Minister: Y E E E E S! Send him in! (In exhausted tone)

(Nikolai exits and then shows Commissar into the room. Minister is just lighting a cigar.)

Minister: (Indulgently) (Extending hand while saying) Weeeeell, good afternoon, Commissar. Sit down, sit down. (Gets up, puffs around)

Commissar: Thank you.

Minister: During my last chat with the Premier, he expressed a growing concern about the failures of three of my agents from my Commission of Foreign Subversion. Losing 150 seats in the Finnish Parliament received entirely too much publicity, and that riot in Rumania was nearly fatal. It seems these gentlemen have fulfilled their usefulness to the Party and the time has come to terminate their membership.

Commissar: (Very suavely) (After lighting a cigarette he snaps lighter shut) I (Snap shut) see. And where are they now?

Minister: The last report we had placed them in Vienna.

Commissar: You mean that you aren’t sure of their present whereabouts.

Minister: Not exactly, the latest intelligence reports them to be staying at the Liechtenstein Hotel in Vienna. They seem to have thrown themselves into a carnival of capitalistic living.

Commissar: It is a temptation that all of us have to resist.

Minister: A sense of humor sabotages Party development.

Commissar: Do they know I’m coming?

Minister: (Getting a manila folder and places on table) Yes, I dispatched a letter, heh, heh, several days ago telling them of your arrival and informing them that you are to give them a bigger assignment.

Commissar: They’ll receive me with open arms.

Minister: Precisely. (Hands him manila folder) Here is a file of pertinent information. You can read it on the plane tonight.

Commissar: There aren’t any pictures. How am I going to identify them?

Minister: You know we keep no rogues gallery of our secret agents. They will identify you.

Commissar: Very clever!

Minister: They are exactly the type of old-style foreign agent which Comrade K.K. Bolshikov, our honored playwright, attacked so brilliantly in his nine act drama, Kill The Swine.

Commissar: A subtle title!

Minister: You speak of subtlety as though it were a virtue.

Commissar: It is a mark of intelligence.

Minister: And Nikita I’m sure would prefer a clean job. Glaring headlines or bloody scenes would only be propaganda for the West, you know.

Commissar: Then this is strictly confidential—upper eschelon, eh?

Minister: Yes, and I might add this could be your stepping stone to greater things in the Party.

Commissar: And yours also?

Minister: A Toast!

CURTAIN