Scene II: The lobby of the Liechtenstein Hotel. At deep center stage is the registration desk. To stage left a couch is turned at a forty-five degree angle toward the audience and at stage right another couch which has its back to the audience is parallel to the audience.
“Liechtensteiner Polka”
Hotel Guests
[lyrics omitted]
Herr Liechtenstein: (After song) Ah so gut, meine Freunde. Now I vill make the speech, nicht wahr?
Everyone: Ja, Ja, speech!
Herr Liechtenstein: I vant that you all should come to me Vunce a Year Day. You and you and even you little schnitzle (reaction) und ve vill trink, und sing, essen und fressen. Und sie best…unser Burgermeister vill kom. (Applause) So ve vill all come, Ja? (reaction) (He steps down from chair and goes behind desk….general dispersion.)
(Vladimir: smoke rings and bottle played from couch at stage right. At first, all that is seen is cigar smoke rising from the couch. Then, hands are seen pouring a glass of vodka, evidently drunk, and then another glass is poured and the hands disappear.)
Ivan: (Enters loaded with packages) Lookee what I’ve got! (Crash as bottle in sack breaks) Oh! Oh wait till I show you what I bought (Unties strings…throws tissue paper around…takes out a suit) Genuine plastic buttons! And look at what goes with it (a loud silk scarf) Made in Japan! (as if something wonderful)
Vladimir: Oh what’s so great about that?
Ivan: You don’t like my clothes? (downcast) (happily) Maybe you’ll like my bird!
Vladimir: Get that dumb vulture out of here!
Ivan: You don’t like my bird either.
Vladimir: (Disgustedly) Didn’t you get any Vodka?
Ivan: (Points apologetically at the broken bottle on floor)
Vladimir: Oh no!
Andre: (Enters) Hey! What’s going on here? When Liechtenstein sees this mess, he’ll bounce us. How’d that hing get in here? This is a hotel, not a game preserve.
Ivan: You don’t like my bird either. (Cleans up stuff)
Herr L.: (Enters with mail) Vun letter for you kommt meine Freunde, today.
Andre: FOR US?
Vladimir: (Gets up in amazement) We weren’t expecting any mail.
Herr L.: Ist here somewhere. Ja! (Hands them letter)
Ivan: Open it, open it!
Vladimir: Who’s it from?
Andre: There’s no return address.
Ivan: (Grabs letter) Hey, a new commemorative. Don’t tear through that.
Vladimir: Give it here. It smells official. (Grabs letter from Ivan and hands it to Andre.)
Andre: (Opening and reading letter aloud)
Comrades:
In view of your past successes and loyal work for the Commission on Foreign Subversion, it gives me great pleasure to inform you that the Party has entrusted you with the execution of a strategic mission most intimately allied with Party security. Due to the great risk in transmitting the information pertinent to your assignment, Comrade Miklos Petronov has been dispatched by me to relay my communique to you in person.
He may easily be identified by you because he shall be wearing a boutonniere.
Ivan: (Interrupting) What’s a boutonniere?
Vladimir: (Makes circular motion around buttonhole)
Andre: (Continues letter)
Comrade Petronov has been instructed not to approach you until you contact him and prove your identity.
Fraternally in the Party, Dimitri Trofimovitch, Minister of the Interior and Commission on Foreign Subversion.
(Vladimir and Ivan are excited; Andre is thoughtful.)
Vladimir: This is great.
Ivan: Yeah, I’ve been in every shop in this town anyway!
Vladimir: (Lustily) Maybe this will be in Paree!
Andre: Wait a minute, wait a minute. Petronov…Petronov…wasn’t he Khruschev’s hatchet man in the Ukraine in ’55? Seems he was promoted to the Secret Police.
Vladimir & Ivan: (In fright) N.K.V.D.!!
Andre: Commissar, I believe.
Vladimir: Well, what, why’s a Commissar coming?
Ivan: And from the N.K.V.D.?
Andre: Shut up and let me think (paces up and down). Read that letter again slowly.
Vladimir: “In view of your past successes”
Andre: …past successes…
Vladimir: “and loyal work for the Commission on Foreign Subversion”
Andre: …loyal work…
Vladimir: “it gives me great pleasure to inform you”
Andre: …great pleasure…
Vladimir: “that the Party has entrusted you with the execution”
Andre: EXECUTION!
Vladimir & Ivan: EXECUTION! (At this they throw their arms around each other in terror)
Herr L.: (From behind desk) EXECUTION? (Comes running out) Not in my hotel!
Andre: It’s nothing. Take it easy. My friends have had a slight shock. (They flop down on couch at stage left.)
Herr L.: Entschuldigung. I must have a customer. A car pulled up in front. (To first bell-boy) Franz, take that kitch up to Herr Bolkov’s room. Rasch! (To second bell-boy) Otto, to the door! (Adjusts his apron and goes behind desk) (Enter Robert Scott alone, dark glasses, carnation)
Andre, Vladimir & Ivan: (See Scott and his carnation; they are obviously terrified.)
Vladimir: The carnation!
Andre: The Commissar! (All put newspapers up in front of their faces and peep over simultaneously from time to time until they discover Scott is definitely not the Commissar.)
Herr L.: Guten Morgen, Mein Herr.
Scott: Good morning.
Herr L.: Und how are you? Vill you stay long mit us?
Scott: Oh, I don’t know. I have a little business to take care of first.
3 Spies: (Slink down lower in couch)
Herr L.: Vell, about how many days shoult I put on die card?
Scott: Oh, it’s hard to tell. It depends on how fast I work.
3 Spies: (Reaction)
Herr L.: Ja, I vill put down-how you say?-indefinite.
Scott: Yeah, that’ll do!
Herr L.: Indefinite – and you have not vun suitcase?
Scott: They should be here any minute. My press agent is taking care…
Herr L.: Press agent?
Scott: Yeah, you know, press agent, publicity. It’s good for the movie.
Herr L.: Movie?
Scott: Yes, I’m on location here.
Herr L.: Ja? Jaaaah! (Flutters around looking for cigar box, blows dust off lid, opens, and offers to Scott) Oh, have vun mit my compliments!
Scott: Well, uh, thanks! (Herr L. and Scott return to desk position)
3 Spies: (Show relief, put papers down)
Vladimir: That isn’t the Commissar.
Andre: Petronov’s too grim to act like that.
Ivan: We can’t be afraid of every carnation we see.
(Enter press agent and bell-boy with bags)
Brick: My gosh there’s a mob out there (cases the joint). What’d you have to pick this hole for? All the nice places to stay in Vienna and you have to pick a flea-trap like this.
Scott: (Airily) But get a load of the atmosphere, the local color.
Brick: From the looks of things there’s a seasonal slack in business that lasts all year round.
Scott: Okay, okay, that’s enough, Brick. You gotta admit it’s a quaint little place.
Brick: Yeah, it’s a quaint little number all right–quaint featherbeds–a quaint privy on the fourth floor for every 72 quaint people–and I suppose you’ll want some quaint publicity too.
Scott: I said that’s enough.
Brick: All right, all right.
Herr L.: Hier ist dein key for your room und now I vant that you bode should come to my Vunce a Year Day. It will start tomorrow efnick.
Scott: Why thank you. Ah–this local color! (Enter the Three Keys from stage left. They are wearing dark glasses).
Brick: Dig the three quaints!
Herr L.: (Turns his head and sees them) Entschuldigung, bitte! (Runs from behind the desk and intercepts the singers) Aha, you try to sneak out and fool me, eh?
Al: (Taking off glasses) Come on, Mr. Liechtenstein, give a guy a break.
Herr L.: Dat’s vat you said last week, and the week before, and the week before that. I can’t run this hotel on sonks.
Brad: Just a couple more days.
Pat: We’re bound to find something. Things just can’t go on this way.
Herr L.: Ja, this way! You’re five weeks behind on the rent. Vat can one do?
Al: Well, Herr Liechtenstein…
Herr: Did you notice da view outside of your vindow? On a clear day you can see the city jail. Do ve understand each other?
Al: Yes, but can’t you wait until we see a guy this afternoon.
Herr: Venn you come back this afternoon your door will be locked.
Brad: But Mr. Liechtenstein you can’t…
Herr: Venn you come mit da money you vill get da key.
Pat: Well, it looks like the jig’s up. Anybody got any bright ideas?
“Problems”
Al, Pat, and Brad (recitative), Together
[lyrics omitted]
Scott: (Approaches the Keys) Sounds like you fellows are in a jam.
Al: Yeah and this isn’t the first one.
Brad: But it looks like this is the last one.
Scott: Been here in Vienna long?
Pat: Long enough to run up a fat bill.
Al: Yeah, we’ve been trying to get abroad for a long time. We finally left the States about three months ago. Thought we had a foolproof contract for a season’s job at a local cabaret.
Brad: But the manager backed out.
Al: And we’ve been stuck here ever since. Trying to scrape enough dough together for passage back.
Pat: This big hotel bill hasn’t helped our career any.
Scott: You fellows should have some future ahead of you. That number you did just now proves that.
Al: Sure! It didn’t even get us to first base with him.
Scott: Yeah, I know how you feel. I can remember when I used to live in the Brownstone Hotel off Broadway. It was rough starting out in those days too.
Pat: Are you an entertainer?
Brick: You’re talking to Robert Scott.
Brad: Not the Robert Scott? (Scott removes his dark glasses).
Al: Whoever thought we’d meet you?
Pat: And in Vienna.
Al: Mr. Scott, I’m Al Edwards. This is Pat Harrison and Bradley Miller.
Scott: Glad to know you.
Pat: With those sunglasses on, we didn’t recognize you.
Scott: I found out from experience that Garbo has the right idea.
Schnitzle: (Enters with autograph book) Herr Scott, Herr Scott, autograph, bitte. (Murmur of crowd outside…they break in.)
Photographers: Hold it! Etc……
Reporters: A statement for the press?
Several: Autograph, bitte (General commotion)
Policeman: I’m sorry Herr Scott, we couldn’t hold them back any longer.
Scott: (While signing autographs) Oh well, it’s for the movie.
Herr: (Barges in and takes a prominent place beside Scott for the pictures.)
Reporter #1: What’s the name of your movie?
Reporter #2: What’s it about?
Reporter #3: Who’s playing opposite you?
Scott: (In agony) I don’t know! Get these people out of here.
Brick: Alright everyone out – out! (To press) Mr. Scott will issue a statement later in the day. Right now, go peddle your papers!
(Crowd exits begrudgingly)
Al: So that’s what glory’s like.
Scott: It can be maddening sometimes though.
Pat: Say, Mr. Scott, what is your new movie about?
Brick: Why it’s a colossal epic about the Russian occupation of Vienna.
Brad: Sounds like it has great possibilities.
Scott: It will, if I don’t have a nervous breakdown first.
Brick: Bob, why don’t you go on up to your room? I’ll go outside and give a statement to the press.
Scott: Okay, Brick. It was nice meeting you fellows. See you again sometime.
Al: Sure, Mr. Scott, if we can get back in.
Scott: (Stops exit) Mmm. How much do you owe?
Al: Well we’re not quite sure, but it is more than we want to face.
Herr: (Sensing opportunity from behind desk) I will get it for you. Ah, here it is. (Gives it to Al)
Scott: Let’s see it. (Looks at it) HMMM. That’s not so bad. (Takes out check book.)
Al: Now wait a minute, Mr. Scott, We’re hard up, but we don’t want charity.
Scott: Now hold on a minute. This is a loan. (Finishes writing check) (Hands them the check) I’ll come out to Beverly Hills five years from now and collect from you.
Pat: Gee, Mr. Scott, we don’t know how to thank you.
Scott: Forget it. (Bellboy follows him off with his bag) (Keys moves over to couch in front)
Brad: This is great.
Al: Yeah – and did you hear what he thought about the number we did?
Pat: He thinks we’ve got possibilities.
Al: This check pays up our bill now, but in another five weeks we’ll be in the same spot. What are we going to do then?
Brad: What?
Al: We aren’t going to be in the same spot five weeks from today.
Pat: Alright, bright boy, out with it.
Al: Scott thinks we have possibilities, right?
Brad: So what?
Al: All we have to do is put the idea in his head that he wants us in this movie.
Pat: Do you think it will work?
Al: Yeah – but we got to pick the right time.
Andre: (Snaps fingers on brilliant conclusion and stands up) Yeah – the right time. Come on! (The three spies exit quickly and Three Keys look after them in amazement.)
CURTAIN